When my dad got divorced, I got the privileged of helping him sort through the mess his ex-wife left him. Somehow, I stumbled upon some school keepsakes, which included a whole book of "What I want to be when I grow up" papers collected from roughly pre-school to 5th grade. How he had them, I have no idea. But, I am the type of person who, when I find something interesting, I have to look at it. I can't just set it aside and keep cleaning.
The first page had your typical pre-school answer. A princess. Who doesn't want to be a princess at age 4? Then a ballerina. Again, typical. I guess around first grade I decided I wanted to achieve higher aspirations. I wanted to be President! But it was the rest of them that truly made me smile. They ranged from a singer, a doctor...pretentious careers that would make mom and dad proud. BUT, after each profession was an extra little tidbit.."a mom."
When I was 19 I fell pregnant. Earlier than I had planned, and earlier than my family had certainly planned. I was terrified to tell my mom. She wasn't a kid person. She will tell you having her own kids wasn't exactly on her agenda. And here I was, pregnant. As terrified as I was, deep down, I was beyond excited. My little brain could hardly wrap around what being a mom really meant. But, I had babysat so many kids I thought I knew it all! I was going to have my own baby.
About halfway through my pregnancy I moved and got a new doctor. As I sat in his office, I remember him asking me "Do you want to just schedule a c-section?" I was curious. I really never thought about the actual birth experience. I knew I was afraid of needles and the idea of an epidural was terrifying. I was so wrapped up in the joys of a baby...getting there never really occurred to me.
"I can do that?" I asked.
"Sure! It's great. You'll know exactly when baby is coming, in out and 15 minutes!" he told me. Ha! I was terrified of needles. I wasn't about to just let him cut a baby out of me for no reason. I politely declined, and never saw that doctor again.
That began my journey. You see, something clicked in my head. I spent hours watching '16 and Pregnant' and those birth shows on TLC. Those women terrified me!! They screamed and acted like their guts were coming with the baby. Certainly that couldn't be how it really happened?
After talking to a friend, and someone I had known for quite some time who just so happened to be going to midwifery school, I decided to see a midwife. Midwives were supposed to care more about their patients, spend more time with them, and offer more natural options. Water birth was to offer me a way of managing pain without sticking a needle in my back. Sign me up!
Then I met my midwife. Before her, I had two previous doctors. Have you ever walked into a doctors office and just felt awkward? Like, you know they are judging you because you're 19 and pregnant. That's how the other doctors made me feel. Then I met Colleen. She didn't talk down to me. She acted genuinely excited we were going to have a baby! Every appointment, she answered my questions and reassured me of my fears. She was the one to convince me that birth is not to be feared. Naturally I spent time reading things about water birth and pain management. I took the childbirth classes with my (now) husband and giggled through them the whole time.
"Giving birth should be your greatest achievement, not your greatest fear." - Jane Weidemen
Then one night it was time to have a baby! Everything I had built up and prepared for. I was so excited. I no longer feared going into labor. I had read the affirmations, and focused on positive thinking. Labor was the beginning of making me a mom! So with every contraction, I took my breathes, and focused on that baby. My body wasn't working against me, it wasn't causing me pain because God hates women. My body was working harder than it ever had before to give me what I wanted most at that point- my baby girl.
Labor was more intense than I thought it would be. My labor with Natalie was presented with outside challenges that made it more difficult, but I didn't have time to focus on any of that. Each contractions brought me one step closer to meeting my baby. Each contraction pushed her down, and forced my body to do the impossible. Isn't birth a miracle? I was never angry, I never yelled at Jason because he did anything to me. I snapped at my mom once because she was too concerned with McDonalds while I was trying to have a baby, but I kept my calm and stayed collected.
Then it was time to push. I really really tried to stay collected. But I think the nurse telling me I couldn't push and I had to wait, and my body screaming no sent me over the edge. I was so close to meeting my baby, that I pushed as hard as I could. It hurt worse than contractions, and yes I felt like my whole insides were being dragged out by my baby. But I pushed as hard as I could...so hard I was actually told to stop a second because once her head came out her shoulders started to come too. Once more push and suddenly there was a baby on me. I felt so...accomplished. Like I was super woman! I had trusted my body, and I was rewarded.
And when it came time to have our second daughter, I felt the same sentiments and maybe even more so because I knew the prize at the end of the marathon. There is just something about labor and pushing that nothing can compare to. When you can feel your body working, doing something only a woman can do it is the most amazing high. It isn't scary or terrifying. It is beautiful.
And now, I sit faced with a c-section. And I know full well that some women want to claw my eyes out right now because they think I hate c-sections and feel they are terrible terrible things created by doctors who hate women. Let me clear one thing up right now- that is completely not true.
C-sections are great tools. Keyword here: tools. Not all doctors were created equal. Sad truth. Some doctors are not prepared to deliver a breech baby. In those cases, a c-section is clearly the safer route. Some babies can not tolerate contractions and labor, and again, c-sections are the safer route. There are a list of medical reasons to have a c-section. But I know first hand that c-sections are abused. And yes, regardless if you have a c-section or a vaginal birth, you are a mother and a healthy mom and baby is important. But, the birth experience is also important.
And for that, I am allowed to have an opinion. And if someone doesn't agree with my opinion, that is okay! I don't judge anyone who has a c-section, or gets induced, or gets an epidural. However, I shouldn't be judged for my desire to want to birth my triplets vaginally.
I don't just wake up and decide against all medical advice I am doing what I want to do, which is what some people think. In fact, I have read numerous case studies, numerous personal birth experiences, and spoken with doctors from around the country to support my stance. I have looked ways to monitor three babies during labor, and weighed the pros and cons of vaginal deliveries over c-sections. I have taken into account the risks of both, and the benefits of both.
And I stand firm behind the fact that vaginal is always the best option when possible.
I mentally prepare myself for a c-section. I am aware it is a large possibility of needing one without you telling me. But, if I can vaginally deliver my babies and trust my body, why wouldn't I? When you have done the research I have already done and continue to do, you can have an opinion about my body and my babies! But I have trusted my body twice already, and I trust my body this time.
All I have ever wanted to be was a mom, and as I've grown into the person I am today, I realize that more than being just a mom is being the best mom I can be. And for me, that starts at conception and includes how I choose to birth my babies. This is one way I feel I can be a good mother, and I shouldn't have to compromise my beliefs to accommodate yours.
"When you change the way you view birth, the way you birth will change." - Marie Mongan
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