I daily feel overwhelmed with questions.
I think the top question I get asked is, what did you do when you found out there were three?
This was our first visit with our midwife, and our first glimpse to see our precious little baby. I was finally feeling at ease this baby would stick because slowly but surely the nausea and exhaustion crept in. It was Valentines Day, so it was just meant to be a good day!
We went in the room, BP was good, a little elevated for me, but still good. She went over the traditional pregnancy non-sense which we all agreed that this being our third go around, I might as well be a pro at this point. Then she told me to get ready for the ultrasound. Undress, lay down...she found the baby pretty quick. Measured 6 weeks and 2 days. She showed us the heartbeat, then turned the screen to try and measure it. That's when it happened...
"Is that another baby?"
Our midwife scrunched her face a bit and looked closer. She said she wasn't sure, it looked empty but had the ring of a sac. Maybe a cyst, but her machine wasn't the best. She printed a picture of the "cyst" and baby along with a little gray spot. I asked her what he gray spot was, and she said it was nothing to worry about, just a gray spot. Okay, whew. She told us we would need to have an ultrasound done with better equipment, and the nurse called UH and the earliest they could see us was Monday. I asked her to please check downstairs with the hospital. I didn't think I could wait all weekend wondering if a cyst was going to eat my baby or if there were actually two in there. By the grace of God, they told me to start drinking water and come on down.
So I drank about three glasses, she called us back, and took a peek. "Your bladder isn't full yet, but I see three sacs so far." She told us. My head started to spin a little, but I was hoping since she couldn't get a clear view that maybe she was really seeing two cysts. She had us go do blood work and wait until my bladder was full to try again. After blood work and about an hour, we went back again. I remember laying there, my heart pounding as she was measuring my ovaries and everything else. Finally she told me to use the restroom and when I was done we would do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look.
It seemed like it took her no time at all to find three babies. All had yolk sacs, and all had heartbeats. She started giving me some measurements. Told me I was due in October, but probably wouldn't make it until September. I know she asked me several times if I was going to be alright. Both the girls were crying, they wanted to go home. We had been there all day. All I could think was, my two children are out of control and now we are going to have three more. Three. I fought back the tears as she and my husband made small talk. Laughed a bit. I said I didn't want a c-section and my husband asked me if that was my first thought with this news. No, it wasn't, but it seemed to be the most important at the time.
She finally left to call my midwife, who wanted to talk to me. As she explained she would help me in whatever way she could, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I tried not to choke up on the phone with her. I didn't want her to know I was upset. As we left the hospital, my heart wouldn't stop pounding. I felt so sick to my stomach. I sent a picture of the ultrasound to my mom and nervously awaited her response.
"There's a ghost in your belly!" She replied, via text. I instantly text her back that it wasn't funny, to which she called and explained she didn't understand what she was seeing. I finally broke down and sobbed, explaining to her there were triplets.
I wasn't supposed to be sad. This was a blessing, a blessing from God. But I was overcome with sadness and anxiety. My girls were natural water births. They breastfed and slept in bed with us every night. They were so easy. Now I was being faced with three babies who at the time the only way I thought out was via c-section. How do you nurse 3 babies without supplementing? You can't. You can't co-sleep three babies. You can't do ANYTHING you believe in. I was so angry. I wanted one baby. One perfect baby to come into the world just as perfect as it's sisters did. Then I asked how we would afford all three. Planning for one is so different than planning for three. We would need bigger cars, more cribs, more diapers, more everything. How do you give adequate attention to the children you have already while catering to the 24/7 demands of three newborns? What would this mean for my family, and how was this going to impact my two little girls who still very much needed their mommy.
The next day, I cried off and on. Sometimes I would be excited, seeing the cute pictures of three babies all curled up together. But then I would be overcome with sadness, the thoughts of preemie babies and being forced to leave the hospital without my babies with me. Having to visit them while they fought for their lives. What if they lost? What if at the end of this journey, we continued our lives missing three very important parts. That thought devastated me the most. There were ways around everything else, it would work out. But you don't work out your baby dying, or babies for that matter.
One thing was for sure, I was overwhelmed with support from everyone when we announced we were having three. I was flooded with questions, offers for help and support. I was afraid to tell anyone I was sad. So many people told me how jealous they were. I couldn't understand why. Maybe this was someone else's dream, but it wasn't mine. It didn't feel real to me.
But then I knew that I had to stop being sad, and start researching. Start talking to others. Get informed. I realized maybe I wasn't doomed at all. This wasn't going to be the perfect pregnancy and delivery I had imagine, but maybe it could be a different kind of perfect. And once I started telling myself that we would bring home three healthy babies, and we wouldn't leave them behind for months in the NICU, I started to feel more at peace. I fully believe in the power of positive thinking, even if it only gets me to the delivery of our babies. But at this point, with all the scary statistics in front of us, what else do I have?
Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes, I am still afraid. But when that happens, I just remind myself that I can do anything I set my mind to, including this. And then the excitement creeps back in, and the worry starts to fade. And then I realize that this IS a blessing, and God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.
I think the top question I get asked is, what did you do when you found out there were three?
This was our first visit with our midwife, and our first glimpse to see our precious little baby. I was finally feeling at ease this baby would stick because slowly but surely the nausea and exhaustion crept in. It was Valentines Day, so it was just meant to be a good day!
We went in the room, BP was good, a little elevated for me, but still good. She went over the traditional pregnancy non-sense which we all agreed that this being our third go around, I might as well be a pro at this point. Then she told me to get ready for the ultrasound. Undress, lay down...she found the baby pretty quick. Measured 6 weeks and 2 days. She showed us the heartbeat, then turned the screen to try and measure it. That's when it happened...
"Is that another baby?"
Our midwife scrunched her face a bit and looked closer. She said she wasn't sure, it looked empty but had the ring of a sac. Maybe a cyst, but her machine wasn't the best. She printed a picture of the "cyst" and baby along with a little gray spot. I asked her what he gray spot was, and she said it was nothing to worry about, just a gray spot. Okay, whew. She told us we would need to have an ultrasound done with better equipment, and the nurse called UH and the earliest they could see us was Monday. I asked her to please check downstairs with the hospital. I didn't think I could wait all weekend wondering if a cyst was going to eat my baby or if there were actually two in there. By the grace of God, they told me to start drinking water and come on down.
So I drank about three glasses, she called us back, and took a peek. "Your bladder isn't full yet, but I see three sacs so far." She told us. My head started to spin a little, but I was hoping since she couldn't get a clear view that maybe she was really seeing two cysts. She had us go do blood work and wait until my bladder was full to try again. After blood work and about an hour, we went back again. I remember laying there, my heart pounding as she was measuring my ovaries and everything else. Finally she told me to use the restroom and when I was done we would do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look.
It seemed like it took her no time at all to find three babies. All had yolk sacs, and all had heartbeats. She started giving me some measurements. Told me I was due in October, but probably wouldn't make it until September. I know she asked me several times if I was going to be alright. Both the girls were crying, they wanted to go home. We had been there all day. All I could think was, my two children are out of control and now we are going to have three more. Three. I fought back the tears as she and my husband made small talk. Laughed a bit. I said I didn't want a c-section and my husband asked me if that was my first thought with this news. No, it wasn't, but it seemed to be the most important at the time.
She finally left to call my midwife, who wanted to talk to me. As she explained she would help me in whatever way she could, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I tried not to choke up on the phone with her. I didn't want her to know I was upset. As we left the hospital, my heart wouldn't stop pounding. I felt so sick to my stomach. I sent a picture of the ultrasound to my mom and nervously awaited her response.
"There's a ghost in your belly!" She replied, via text. I instantly text her back that it wasn't funny, to which she called and explained she didn't understand what she was seeing. I finally broke down and sobbed, explaining to her there were triplets.
I wasn't supposed to be sad. This was a blessing, a blessing from God. But I was overcome with sadness and anxiety. My girls were natural water births. They breastfed and slept in bed with us every night. They were so easy. Now I was being faced with three babies who at the time the only way I thought out was via c-section. How do you nurse 3 babies without supplementing? You can't. You can't co-sleep three babies. You can't do ANYTHING you believe in. I was so angry. I wanted one baby. One perfect baby to come into the world just as perfect as it's sisters did. Then I asked how we would afford all three. Planning for one is so different than planning for three. We would need bigger cars, more cribs, more diapers, more everything. How do you give adequate attention to the children you have already while catering to the 24/7 demands of three newborns? What would this mean for my family, and how was this going to impact my two little girls who still very much needed their mommy.
The next day, I cried off and on. Sometimes I would be excited, seeing the cute pictures of three babies all curled up together. But then I would be overcome with sadness, the thoughts of preemie babies and being forced to leave the hospital without my babies with me. Having to visit them while they fought for their lives. What if they lost? What if at the end of this journey, we continued our lives missing three very important parts. That thought devastated me the most. There were ways around everything else, it would work out. But you don't work out your baby dying, or babies for that matter.
One thing was for sure, I was overwhelmed with support from everyone when we announced we were having three. I was flooded with questions, offers for help and support. I was afraid to tell anyone I was sad. So many people told me how jealous they were. I couldn't understand why. Maybe this was someone else's dream, but it wasn't mine. It didn't feel real to me.
But then I knew that I had to stop being sad, and start researching. Start talking to others. Get informed. I realized maybe I wasn't doomed at all. This wasn't going to be the perfect pregnancy and delivery I had imagine, but maybe it could be a different kind of perfect. And once I started telling myself that we would bring home three healthy babies, and we wouldn't leave them behind for months in the NICU, I started to feel more at peace. I fully believe in the power of positive thinking, even if it only gets me to the delivery of our babies. But at this point, with all the scary statistics in front of us, what else do I have?
Sometimes I still cry. Sometimes, I am still afraid. But when that happens, I just remind myself that I can do anything I set my mind to, including this. And then the excitement creeps back in, and the worry starts to fade. And then I realize that this IS a blessing, and God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.
Oh, Mama! What you are experiencing is totally normal. Your anxiety and fear do not mean you are not excited, it means you are human and (as you said) wondering about the logistics of it all. Life with multiples is different from the get go ... you will find that the biggest thing you will likely have to adjust to is just kind of going with the flow. Try to relax the need for control, take frequent deep breaths, laugh a lot and know that (in the end) everything will work out. **When planning to do anything or scheduling appointments, always schedule later than you normally would and begin getting ready 1.5 hours earlier than you normally would. That extra cushion of time can be a real sanity saver!! <3 I am very excited for you and know that you will fall in love with your crazy new world ... once the shock wears off!! (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI know we *only* had two at once, but ours were a surprise, too. Your story sounds so much like mine. Thank you for sharing :) I was very upset with our news, and hated people telling me to that I should be grateful or that they wish they had had twins. Had I had a crystal ball and known how great it would be two years later, I might have stressed out less, but the worry of something happening is so real. Here is a very short version of my story http://thecrocketfamilyblog.blogspot.com/2014/06/its-twins.html You've got this, you are amazing!!!
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